| Miss you |
[03 Apr 2004|09:23pm] |
Hey u guys! Just letting you know i'm still alive here in TX. I'm missing everyone at harding terribly but i still feel that being here is for the best. I would explain that if I could but i don't know how or why. i will be up there next weekend for spring sing and hope to see as many of you as I can despite your busy schedules. I can't find my cell phone(lost in the mess of packing), so for anyone who wants to call me my # is 972-264-6403. that's a hint, please call me!!!
O.k. now i'm using lj as a rant, wanted to let you know so that you can stop reading if you care to, i'm just frustrated. Why do parents have to be soooo darn confusing?? One minute their building you up with encouragement and the next their pulling you back down(fully unbenounced to them i'm sure) But you can't really tell them their bringing you down because they are only doing it for your "own good" As if i'm not conflicted enough about a certain dilema, that i think i've found a solution to, until my dad comes in with the opposite argument arghhh!!!! And i just can't seem to convince him otherwise, i find it difficult to change an idea someone has been taught for 66 years. I'm really worried about this, because if a solution does not come in 12 days from today i am afraid that something bad will come of it, ok i'm done ranting, if you would like to know more and give me input, i would GREATLY appreciate you e-mailing me and i will give more details, i guess i'm just asking for your help, if you care to give it. sorry i'm just worried. Love you guys!!Don't forget me ;)
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[23 Feb 2004|09:08am] |
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ok so i can't move my shoulders or my neck without almost screaming out in pain, why you ask. Because cars are stupid! traffic is stupid! the car in front of me stopping on the highway is STUPID!!!! so, if you haven't guessed it yet, i got in a wreck. my back is really sore but other than that i'm ok and so is everyone else, thank GOD. so, i'm in austin, at the mariott (i told the cop to drop me at a motel 6 but he said no) anyway the hotel is REALLY nice, i just thought i'd let y'all know what's going on. so, i guess i'll be w/o a car for a while, but God is gracious, I don't believe it's a coincidence that Elissa decided to go home this weekend. Thanx, GOD. well i'm going to go not move my back, if that's possible. Please pray for me and pray for my car.
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| Cars honking, tejano music, bright lights everywhere... feels like home to me!!!!! |
[22 Feb 2004|11:29pm] |
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Life is hard but good. Random piece of my brain sorry. But it's true. Your outlook on life all depends on what you focus on. No offense to counselors but i think sometimes they rehash things too much. Personally, the only way I can get over something is to number one pray about it and give it to God. And number two, get off of my fat butt and stop thinking about it. Why sit around and worry about what you can't change? It doesn't make sense and yet i do it way too much. OK, so if you see me moping around dwelling on my problems, PLEASE slap me across the face!!! I do it so much and it's really rediculous.
Ok enough randomness for one post, I am in Dallas!!!! yay for home!!! ok, so i'm not really "home" but i'm at one of my friends houses so it's home enough to me. The five and a half hour car ride (yes i was speeding) home was useful. I cought up on a lot of praying that i have too long neglected. Amazing how much God can do if you just ask him.
Well, i guess i owe all of you an apology. I realize that i have not been the most fun person to be around lately. I am sorry and I am working hard to change that. I am so glad to know all of you. You are a blessing from God.
Oh yea, GOD IS AWESOME!!!!
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| back to normal |
[20 Feb 2004|12:53am] |
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well, my last post was somewhat upbeat, but you really didn't think that was going to stick around did you. (Believe me i wish it would more than you do. But sometimes it seems that i have no control over my ups and downs) I'm so upset right now and there is no freaking reason. I'm upset, and then i get upset because i'm upset. I've become my worst nightmare and I don't know how to change it. A lot of the reason for this post is to state my feelings and to say i'm sorry. I'm sorry, i really am. I am sorry that i bring you all down. I'm sorry that i'm no fun to be around anymore, i wish i knew why. I am really trying hard to be more optomistic in my outlook on life but it's not working very well. It's like the harder I try the worse I get. I guess i must describe a little of what inspired this little rant. A few days ago, one of my very good friends let me know that i was giving off the impression i was mad at her and i think she was truly scared of me. I do not want to be a person that people are scared of. I want to be a person people like to be around. Why can't I be? I try so hard but I can't change. I don't know what's wrong with me. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Why can't i just be normal? (yes i know there really is no such thing as normal but i could at least be closer) I just want to be accepted and loved, that's all I ask. Is that SO difficult? Is that so wrong? I guess I put too much emphasis on it but that is what i truly want above all other things. I want someone to love me. I'm sorry but that's what it comes down to. I can understand why people wouldn't though, JUST LOOK AT THIS POST! I'm a freak, needy, selfish, desperate. Not very flattering but it's all true. I can't hide it, I hate life, i hate the way it works and i HATE emotions. They have no explanation and they know how to take control. I feel so horrible about the way i act and that makes me feel horrible about myself. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. Please pray for me. I love you all. and I am sorry for the way I act. Please forgive me and know that I will be trying to change. Your prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.
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| God's blessing |
[19 Feb 2004|11:04pm] |
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Yes, that's right, i said peaceful. While my life is definitely a roller coaster, it's amazing that every so often God sends a spirit of peace, since it doesn't happen often and it doesn't usually stick around, i figured i'd better post about it while its here.
I have the best roomate in the world, yes i know if you heard me yesterday, then you think i'm bipolar but this time i'm telling the truth. It really shows you how awesome a person is when they tell you the truth even when its hard and that's what my roomate did. I love her. She's awesome and i think God sent her into my life.
Hmm what else? well i am already behind on hw but i'm trying to catch up and all of my bible tests are coming up, i'm a little nervous, but if i can actually get myself to spend the time studying i think i'll be all right. So, if you see me next week and i'm not studying, yell at me! :) On that note, i'm going to go study, see you later!!!
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| words |
[10 Jan 2004|04:18pm] |
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lonely |
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music from ice dancing on tv |
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Words are a gift from God, and it's amazing how sporatically they come and go. I'm silent with no words to say for hours, days, etc. and then all of a sudden they come streaming, usually accompanied by the unwhiped tears on my cheeks. Just felt like sharing. PRAY 4 ME :).
Below is a collection of poems i've written that i'm finally not ashamed to let out. so here they are.
8/03
Everytime i see you, I have hidden thoughts inside,
How i wish these feelings, I didn't have to hide
But i dare not wish that you,
Could ever feel them too,
So i close my eyes,
and dream that it's a fact,
That you love me back.
I long to be held in your arms,
I long for your embrace,
I long to touch your gentle lips with my own.
Sometimes i wish that i could tell you everything i feel
But you will never know,
No, you'll never know.
8/03
Am i showin' any signs
Please don't read between the lines
I'm too scared of losing you,
To confess what I know is true,
That i love you,
And i need you,
And i wanna be with you, Forever.
8/03
It's a fine line
Between friends and lovers,
It's a fine line
That just can't be crossed.
It's a fine line,
like no other,
One step over and the friendship's lost
Yea one step over and the friendship's lost.
1/03
How can i hate when the love is so strong.
But how can i love when its received so wrong?
The hate quickly fades when i see your face
My heartbeat quickens to an unatural pace.
I know that on these things i should not dwell
These thoughts will keep me in a living hell,
But i still feel your arms wrapped tightly around,
A treasure that I thought i had found.
Rejected or not these things i still feel
They stay in my heart, whether dreams or real.
The feel of your lips caressing my own,
A feeling before completely unknown.
I've longed to be loved for so long it seems
But what i longed for i knew of only from dreams.
Now you have made those dreams come true,
Though the moments of truth were oh so few.
And so from here, where do i turn
How do i go on while my feelings burn
I'll trust in God, though it sounds so cliche
But he has a plan, i must follow his way.
He plans my life He knows what is best,
So now in His arms i must learn to rest.
Giving up what I want to follow His will.
I must give Him my heart, it i know he will fill.
By the way did anyone ever notice that the moods lonely and loved are right next to each other? Probably not, cause i'm just weird like that. But it's kind of ironic nonetheless. Symbolic if you will, of how quickly one can change from one to the other and then back again. anyway, if anybody's still reading all this stuff, i'd be surprised. Just the rantings of a bitter cynical woman, please forgive.
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| prayer |
[01 Jan 2004|07:02pm] |
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Hey, well once again it's been a while but i really don't have all that much to say. I'm mainly posting this to ask all of you to keep me in your prayers. I've really been struggling for the past week or so with submitting to God's will. God has a plan, God has a plan, that's what i keep repeating, but sometimes it's hard to believe. Especially when His plan seems so far from my own. Please pray that I can willingly submit to God's will for my life whether it fits into my hopes, dreams, or plans or not. Love ya guys!
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| Blaaa |
[27 Dec 2003|11:46pm] |
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Why does everyone insist on having a bad day on the same day i do? I feel like being held, i feel like talking to someone about nothing. God how i wish u would come down with physical arms and wrap me in them. It's times like these when I miss her most. Sorry, this post may not make sense to those of you who don't know me well but oh well, it's more of a therapy for me to just type it all out. People have asked me what I miss most, i'd definitely have to say her hugs. Why? Because i have people who i can talk to, laugh with, even cry with. But that's the one void that I've yet to fill. I need someone to crawl up next to and just be held by. I need a literal shoulder to cry on. I can't be strong all the time, but lately it seems i'm not strong any of the time. How do i get that strength back? It's not as simple as someone said, Just stop focusing on all of the people who bring you down and start praying for yourself... THEY FLOCK TO ME I don't seek them out and what am i supposed to do? Just ignore when they make some kind of leading statement? I don't think that would be right and i know that i can't do it. I'm not sure that I want to. One of the few things that I can tolerate about myself is my ability to listen to people, if i start focusing on myself, i've just lost another thing. I would say i want to go home but i know that home won't help, It's just too quiet to be helpful. People wonder why I'm not anxious to go home. There's too many memories that I want back, too many stories that are just that, stories, I don't know what i actually remember or what i tell myself i remember. I don't want to forget but i'm beginning to. Those days seem so far away. I want them back. I know that God has a plan and sometimes i think that i'm ok with that. But i'm really not, I want God's plan to fit my way. I know that's wrong to say but it's how i feel sometimes. I've heard the analogy that it's like a quilt, God sees the top but all we see is the messed up bottom, Well, right now i feel like i'm not only under the quilt but, the quilt is wrapped tightly around my head, I can't see anything and i can barely breathe. I don't really know why i'm typing all of this here but it seems like it's the only thing i can think to do. Pray for me. I need God's light to show me where my life is headed. I need more faith to trust that God knows what is best. HE knows where i've been and he knows where i'm going. HE wants to help me i just have to let him. I need to let go and give it to him. PRAY 4 ME
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| Finally a good day!!!!! |
[16 Oct 2003|04:08pm] |
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I'm serious I haven't had a day this good in a long time. And the funny thing is that there is no REAL reason for it. I got a 96 on my validation this morning so the day started off right. Isn't it funny how you can crawl out of bed put on pj pants and a sweatshirt(usually the atire of a tired depressing day) and still have the best day ever. GOD IS AWESOME!!!!!!! I love His mysterious ways. He knows what's best and He will take care of things. Wow I've said that 20 billion times in the last week or so but I think that is the first time that I have actually believed it!!! YAY!!! I love all of you and I appreciate your willingness to put up with my retardedness. Well I'm going to go wander and see if I can spread my happy day to other people. C'ya!!!!!
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| i liked this quiz |
[15 Oct 2003|11:46pm] |
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First best friend: Liz Collum
First real memory of something: I was three my sister ran past me with a pot that was on fire and then her hand was on fire. I was upset because she was in the way of big bird.
First date: Still waiting... I don't count that stupid camp fling
First real kiss: In my dreams it was... Ha I'll never tell...As for real life i think I'd better answer the previous question first.
First Break-up: Not yet hopefully never
First Job: Day Care worker
First screen name: drrminniemouse
First self purchased album: Michael W. Smith - The first Decade
First funeral: Don't remember it was when i was like a baby probably - Elder's daughter
First pets: Blondie a hamster
First piercing/tattoo: ears, age 4
First true love: Well, hmmm... nope I'm not telling...
First enemy: Some girl at church camp - 3rd grade
First big trip: Washington D.C. - 3rd grade
First play/musical/performance: Brigadoon
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Acapella
First Cigarette: Never, i can't even breathe when I smell it so I was never tempted
Last big car ride: From Dallas to Las Vegas, New Mexico-Church Camp
Last kiss: hmmm... read what's under the first kiss and I think you'll figure it out
Last good cry: Sunday night
Last library book checked out: Library what's that?
Last movie seen: In theaters: Finding Nemo On DVD: Mr. Deeds
Last beverage drank: Mountain Dew
Last food consumed: Turkey and cheese sandwhich
Last crush: ha ha ha Don't you wish you knew but you're not gonna hear it from me
Last phone call: about 45 minutes ago
Last tv show watched: Transformers - it was playing in the student center
Last time showered: this afternoon
Last shoes worn: Big Black Tall shoes
Last cd played: Superchic[k] - Last One Picked
Last item bought: Toilet paper if you must know
Last annoyance: Cameron not letting me have the Barney pillow in Kristen's car.
Last disappointment: ummm it's too recent to go into
Last soda drank: Mountain Dew
Last ice cream eaten: Chocolate chip with hot fudge and peanuts - my usual
Last shirt worn: right now - short-sleeved, Sign from God shirt
Last website visited: livejournal
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[25 Sep 2003|02:25pm] |
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